How to apologize to your girlfriend, and what to put in the message

The three parts of a real apology

• Say what you did, in specific words. "I was wrong" is easy to skip past. "I cancelled on you again and made you feel like an afterthought" is not.
• Show that you understand why it hurt. This is the part most people skip, and it is the part that is heard.
• Say what changes. A promise to do better is cheap, so make it small and checkable.

What to leave out

Do not add "but". Everything before the "but" is cancelled by what comes after it.

Do not apologize for how she felt ("I am sorry you were upset"). Apologize for what you did.

Do not ask for forgiveness in the same breath. Give her room. An apology is not a request for a reply.

Why a link can work better than a text

An apology that arrives in the middle of an argument gets read through the argument. A card she can open alone, when she is ready, is read on her terms. You can also seal it to open at a time you choose, and add your voice if text feels too flat.

Three messages to start from

• "I am sorry. I understand now why that hurt you, and I am not going to repeat it."
• "You were right and I was defending myself instead of listening. I am sorry."
• "No excuses. I hurt you and I hate that. Tell me how to make it right."

After you send it

Do not follow up within the hour asking if she saw it. Let it land. If she wants to talk, she will, and your job then is to listen more than you explain.

Common questions